Chasing Fate Read online

  Jackson wanted to explore the city more this morning after our tumble in the sheets. He wore me out and thankfully agreed to spend the afternoon inside. The streets were crazy busy. People were already showing up for the celebration. The road was blocked off to traffic. I didn't want to have to deal with that mess.

  He started to get antsy after a few hours of doing nothing, so I suggested we check out some of the sights we could walk to. One of those places included a little convenience store where he picked up the champagne and some mini bottles of alcohol.

  In the last few hours, I've consumed a coconut rum with pineapple juice, which was a little sweet for me but amazing, a gin and tonic, and–my personal favorite–a dark rum and coke. The champagne is going to push me over the edge. My tolerance for alcohol is minimal. A drink or two is my limit. The effects have already taken hold already.

  Just as that thought crosses my mind, Jackson hands me a paper cup filled to the brim with champagne.

  "Ready to ring in the new year?"

  "Of course," I say, putting a little forced pep in my voice.

  This year is not going to be like last year. It's going to start with a bang, but then the magic and the money will disappear, and, like in the movies, things will fade to black. Am I ready? Not really, but he doesn't know that. I'm working on it. I'll be ready when things start to fizzle out. Mentally, I have to be.

  Grabbing my hand, Jackson pulls me over the edge of the balcony. We have an almost perfect view of the ball from here. There's one neon sign in our way. If we stand on the chairs, we could see over it. It's not that important to me.

  10

  "Here we go," I say.

  8

  Jackson turns me in his arms so I'm facing him.

  6

  "You are going to let me kiss you, right?" Jackson screams over the noise of the crowd.

  4

  3

  Placing my hands on either side of his face, I wait for it to happen.

  1

  Happy New Year!

  Pressing my lips, I don't bother to say the words. Taking control, Jackson presses his body firmly against mine. His tongue tastes like whiskey, one of the mini bottles I saw him crack open earlier. It has a rich flavor, one I never thought I would enjoy. Maybe I should have kept that one for myself? Maybe it's better on Jackson's tongue than my own?

  Pulling away, Jackson raises his glass and I follow. When our glasses touch, we hold them there for a moment. One of us needs to say something. I can barely breathe right now, so it's not going to be me.

  "To new beginnings, an amazing adventure, and memories we'll cherish for a lifetime."

  Forcing a smile, Jackson's words touch my heart. When I feel the tears beginning to form, I take a large gulp of the champagne, pretending to choke on it. Wiping away the moisture from my eyes, Jackson is fooled. I've covered my mistake. This time.

  Sitting out on the patio, we sip on champagne while the city below us winds down. Once the bottle is gone, and the city quiet except for the street sweepers, we retire inside. My hands and feet are numb, partially from all the alcohol I've consumed and partially from the cold.

  Slowly, savoring the moment, Jackson undresses me and turns on the water. We slip in the shower together. This is a first for us. I've showered with a man before, my ex, but it was more about getting dirty than clean. With Jackson, it's different. He gently washes my body, so I return the favor.

  Steam rises around us, heightening my senses. His body wash is the only thing I can smell once I open the bottle. It's intoxicating, reminding me of when he caught me yesterday before I fell. We're making memories. We're getting closer to each other than I ever wanted us to be. Not because we're showering together, or even on this trip together, but because I broke the one stupid rule before we even left. Things are getting personal, too personal.

  The best thing for me right now would be to send him home, ask him to leave. My flight for the Bahamas is in less than twenty-four hours. If I'm going to do it, it needs to be soon.

  Ringing in the new year with Jackson is something I will never forget. After our shower, he carried me to bed and instead of being bossy and taking control, he was gentle and sweet. In fact, he was so gentle that I lay awake all night wondering what it meant. I was finally able to brush it off when I started to think about how I was going to tell him I wanted to go on alone.

  About the time the sun starts to rise, I forced myself out of bed. Dressing quickly, I leave Jackson sleeping in bed while I head out to find coffee. Fresh air and caffeine will help me clear my head.

  Around the corner from the hotel, I stumble upon exactly what I'm looking for. Coffee, sweet treats, and an open chair near a fireplace. Jackpot.

  There's a line, and even though it's fairly long, it’s moving quickly. With today being a holiday, I wonder what this place looks like on a normal day. The breakfast restaurant at the hotel was packed when I left. I imagine everything in Times Square is busy in the morning. Everyone is up and getting ready to start their day.

  Snagging the chair I was eying the moment I walked in, I connect my phone to the Wi-Fi and check my email. Returning a few emails to former clients, letting them know I’ve left the company, I sip my coffee and enjoy the atmosphere. It's vibrant here. Not just the coffee shop, the city. It makes you feel alive in a way. There's always something happening around you.

  Startled, I drop my phone on the floor when it rings in my hand. Jackson.

  "Hey."

  "Where are you?" he asks, his words rushed.

  He’s worried. I should have left him a note.

  "At a coffee shop. I'm heading back in a minute. Want a cup?" I ask, pretending I didn't notice the tone of his voice.

  "Geez, Jessa. You scared the shit out of me. You weren't here when I woke up. You can't do that to me."

  "Calm down, caveman. I'll be back in a minute. Isn't this the very reason someone invented cell phones? So you can get a hold of someone wherever they are?" I say reassuringly. I've never heard him like this before. In fact, I'm starting to see more sides to Jackson than I knew existed.

  "Large. Black. Two packets of sugar."

  Click.

  I guess he wants coffee.

  Grabbing my coffee, I slide back in line and place another order. One for Jackson and another for me.

  The shower is running when I return. To pass the time, I start gathering my things from around the room and arranging them in my bag. I'm going to need to find a place to do my laundry when I get to the Bahamas. Maybe the hotel will have a service for that? If not, I'll be there for two weeks. Plenty of time to find a laundromat.

  "Thanks."

  Jackson's voice surprises me, causing me to jump a little.

  "You're welcome," I reply, focusing on my luggage. We need to have this conversation now, and I'm dreading his reaction.

  "I think that's my sock," he says from directly behind me.

  Grabbing the sock, I flip it inside out and hand it to him without a word.

  "What's going on, Jessa? You disappear without a word this morning, and now you're barely speaking to me."

  Man-up, Jessa. You can do this.

  "I was thinking about tonight."

  "What about it? Are you worried about the flight?"

  "No. I was thinking that maybe I should go alone." His silence speaks volumes about how shocked he is at my admission. I take the opportunity to explain my decision. "You are wonderful, Jackson, you know that, but we're breaking all the rules, and it's only going to happen more often the longer we're together. There's a reason we had those rules. No commitments, right?"

  Afraid to face him, I force myself to turn around anyway. He's leaning against the walls, arms crossed over his bare chest. A hotel towel is wrapped around his waist, barely covering anything – it’s so small compared to him. If it were to fall off, I wouldn’t complain. Not that I haven’t seen it before, but I happen to enjoy the site of him naked. He’s yummy. When I finally look up, he's grinning
at me from ear to ear.

  What the hell?

  Is he smiling at me?

  Didn't I hurt his feelings?

  "Jessa, you are so predictable."

  "What the hell does that mean?" I ask, irritated at his comment.

  "I knew this was going to happen. You were going to freak out about something and ask me to leave. Guess who else knew this would happen?" He raises his eyebrows, challenging me. "Amber. She gave me something to give to you when it did. Hang on a sec."

  Jackson disappears into the bedroom, and when he returns, I'm sad to see he's fully clothed. In his hand is a pink envelope with the number one written in black sharpie on it. Handing it to me, he takes the seat across from me.

  "What's this?"

  "I'm not sure. Amber said to give it to you the first time you freaked out. I'm assuming it's a letter."

  "Why is there a number on it?"

  "Why do you think, Jessa? She gave me a stack of them. You're allowed to freak out about twenty times before I run out of letters."

  Damn her. She knew this would happen and was prepared to have my back even without being in the same city. I should probably call her before I leave tonight. I have a feeling I'm going to need to say thank you.

  Sliding my finger under the flap, I pop the envelope open and pull out a piece of pink paper, Amber’s favorite color. Most people would keep white printer paper on hand. Not Amber. She keeps pink. It annoys the crap out of her husband, and I think he secretly keeps white paper hidden somewhere in their house for the important things.

  Jessa,

  So you finally freaked out? Are you still in NYC? I bet you are. I bet Jackson was coming on too strong and scared the crap out of you. You're probably thinking that you're getting too close to him. Well, you are, and I have news for you. THAT IS A GOOD THING.

  He likes you. I can tell. Let him like you. There's nothing wrong with breaking your own rules and having fun. If that's what this trip was really about, you should be enjoying yourself. Part of that should be enjoying your company.

  Deal with it. Get over it. Then, once your head is on straight, talk to him about what's going on in your head. After that, call me. I miss you.

  Love,

  Amber

  God, I love her. She's the best friend a girl could ask for. How the hell did I get so lucky?

  "What's it say?" Jackson asks after I fold the letter and put it back in its envelope.

  "It says I shouldn't be freaking out. That I need to be honest with you about why I'm scared and that I need to enjoy myself."

  "She said all that and didn't even know when you would need the letter?"

  "Yeah. She's good like that."

  "So," he says, pausing. "Are you going to tell me why you're scared, then?"

  Deep breath in, out, repeat.

  "I'm not scared, per se. It's just that I don't like losing control. That's why I made rules, to maintain control. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to hurt you. It keeps things safe. This trip is messing with everything."

  Jackson nods but doesn't say anything right away. We sit, staring at each other while the minutes tick by. If he doesn't say something soon, I'm really going to lose my shit. The silence is making me crazy.

  Clearing his throat, Jackson finally speaks up. "Let's start over. No rules. No expectations. No worrying about hurting each other. We take it one day at a time. If things don't work out, fine. I think we should at least give it a shot, don't you?"

  No. Yes. I don't know. If there was a chance that Jackson could be my happily ever after... Nope, not going there. I can't think about that.

  Moving to sit next to me on the couch, Jackson continues before I have a chance to process everything and answer him. Taking my hand in his, he weaves our finger together.

  "I'm not going to lie to you and say I haven't developed feelings for you over the last two years. There's a reason I haven't been with anyone else. There's a reason that I dropped everything and came on this trip with you. I want to be close to you, Jessa. You're an amazing woman. You have a wonderful laugh, a sweet personality, and a great sense of humor. On top of all that, you're sexy as hell and my match between the sheets. I'm not looking for anyone else because I already found the one I want.

  "I've known for a while, but never found the right time to tell you. I knew it would scare you, but if you're already scared and kicking me to the curb, then this is my one chance to change your mind. I'm all in, Jessa. I've been breaking the rules for a while now, waiting for you to catch on."

  HO-LY SHIT!

  Never in a million years would I have guessed he felt that way about me. What did I miss? When did his feelings for me change? Was I too busy to notice? Did I not want to see it?

  "I... I need a minute to process this. I'm going to take a walk." Standing, I grab my coat and purse. As I open the door, I turn to find Jackson still sitting where I left him, staring straight ahead. "I'll be back in an hour, okay?"

  "Take all the time you need, Jessa. I'll be here when you get back."

  He sounds defeated. I'm not sure how he expected me to react. Hopefully, I haven't been giving him signs that I feel the same way about him. If so, I need to apologize. Or do I? Feel the same, that is.

  The cold air slaps me in the face the minute I exit the hotel. Turning uptown, I walk without a destination in mind. Mindlessly, I follow the crowd of people in front of me. Some are dressed as if they're headed to work. Holiday or not, I guess some people never take a day off. Others, like myself, look more casual. I can tell the tourists from the locals. People are window shopping and taking pictures. Me? I'm walking aimlessly, trying to clear my mind.

  Pulling my phone from my purse, I dial Amber. I'm sure she's up by now, wrangling the kids.

  "Hey!" she answers after just one ring.

  "Hey."

  "What's wrong? It happened, didn't it? You freaked out."

  Shaking my head, "Yeah. How'd you know?"

  "Well, for starters, it's not even nine in the morning and you're calling. Two, you sound like someone just told you your cat died."

  "I don't have a cat," I interrupt.

  "Three," she continues, unphased by my comment. "I saw this coming a mile away. Why do you think I suggested that Jackson go on this trip with you?"

  "But he's the reason I'm freaking out, Amber."

  "Why? He's hot, eager to please, and you always have fun when you're together."

  "Yes, but he wants more."

  "More what?"

  "More from me. More than I can give him."

  The line goes silent. She's thinking it over. She's searching for her words of wisdom that I crave right now.

  "So what? He wants more. Give him as much as you can. Enjoy this trip, Jessa. You wanted an adventure, to live free. This is your opportunity. Grab it by the reins and hold on. It'll be over before you know it."

  "That's what I'm afraid of," I mutter.

  "What?"

  "Nothing. I just don't know how much of myself I'm willing to risk. You know why I made the rules to begin with, he doesn't."

  "Then tell him. Explain it to him. He's no Je–"

  "Don't say his name."

  "Sorry."

  Amber and I only have one rule in our friendship. She's not allowed to utter his name. I don't ever want to hear it again, at least not in reference to him. I still cringe when I meet people with the same name. No matter how pleasant they are, I have an instant dislike for them. He left a bad taste in my mouth, one that hasn't gone away even after all this time.

  "It's time to move on, Jessa. Maybe this thing with Jackson will be for a month, or maybe it will be for longer. Maybe it'll end tomorrow. You won't know unless you try. The first step has to be telling him what happened so he understands why you made the rules in the first place."

  "I know," I admit, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. People walk around me, a few muttering under their breath. "I'm going to head back and talk to him."

  "Good. Call
me later. I want make-up sex details."

  "Amber!"

  "What? I have to live vicariously through you. John and I have been together so long now, I forgot what it's like to be with anyone else."

  "You're not getting details."

  "Fine. Love you, Jessa."

  "Love you, too."

  Chapter 4

  The room is silent when I walk back in. Jackson's not here. He said he would be, but there's no sign of him. Our mini liquor bottles from last night have been picked up, and both of our bags are sitting by the door. Where the hell is he?

  Just as that thought crosses my mind, the door closes behind me with a soft thud, the lock engaging. The sound causes me to jump slightly, catching me off guard.

  "Jackson," I call as I toss my purse on the floor next to our bags.

  "Out here," I hear him say. Poking my head into the bedroom, I find Jackson standing on the balcony, looking down at the city.

  "Hey," I say, leaning against the patio door.

  "Hey," he replies without turning around.

  "So," I start, unsure of how to begin the conversation without sounding like a complete ass. I have a feeling it's going to come out bad either way.

  Finally turning when I don't continue, Jackson makes eye contact but doesn't speak. His eyes seem void of all emotion, something new for him. Normally, I can tell what he's thinking by the look on his face. That too is blank. Leaning against the railing, his arms are crossed over his chest, his muscles noticeably flexing through his sweater. He's sheltering himself from me. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think he understands that.

  "I talked to Amber."

  "Okay."

  "She... helped."

  "I hope she didn't talk you into something you don't want, Jessa."

  "No. That's not it at all," I say, stepping out onto the balcony. "I want this, I do. I'm just scared."