Love or Lust 2 Read online

  “I’m ready if you are,” I say, quickly making my way over to where he is and placing a kiss on his cheek. “Thanks for waiting on me.”

  His smile is forced as he brushes me off. I can tell something is on his mind, more than likely Courtney. If he wants to talk about it, I’d be happy to listen, but I’m not sure how to bring it up. I can’t just come out and say, “So what’s going on with you two?” and expect him to pretend like we’re BFFs at a sleepover and spill everything.

  That’s not how guys work.

  At least in my experience anyway.

  Milo wants our destination to be a surprise, so as the van navigates its way into downtown, I try to make small talk, but he’s distracted. He may not be my first choice in this competition, but he’s a nice guy, and I’m not about to spend an evening with him in silence.

  “Okay, say whatever’s on your mind. You’re obviously distracted and maybe talking about it will help.”

  “I’m fine.” His words are clipped, his lips pressed together as he stares out the window.

  “Right. Because when I’m fine, I look like I want to strangle someone just for looking at me the wrong way.”

  “It’s nothing, really. Let it go.”

  I’m not about to let it go, but he’s not going to open up like a girl would. So I do the only thing I can think that will get his attention and hopefully bring a smile to his face. I play the game by taking his hand in mine and giving it a light squeeze.

  He looks down at our laced fingers and stares for a few long beats before squeezing back.

  “I’m sorry. You deserve to have a better time tonight.” His voice is laced with sorrow as he bows his head in shame and closes his eyes.

  “You know, I’m a really good listener. Great at giving advice, not so great at taking it myself, but that’s another story altogether. So, whatever is going on, I might be able to help or at least try. Lay it on me, baby,” I say in a teasing voice, hoping to get him to lighten up even more.

  “I think you already know what I’m thinking about.”

  “Let’s see . . .” I start, allowing my voice to trail off as I tap my finger against my chin like I’m having a debate with myself even though we both know it’s not necessary. “Could it be the fact that Courtney is out with Drake tonight?”

  “It could be.”

  “Or that she’s going out with Callen tomorrow night?”

  “Could be that too.”

  “What about Natasha? Are you worried about her date with Lennon tonight at all?”

  Milo belts out a laugh so loud it catches me off guard. “Um, no.”

  “Why not? He’s a good-looking guy.”

  “Yeah, I know. And she would crawl in bed with him if she had the chance, I’m sure. It’s not going to happen, though. He only has eyes for one of the ladies, and I think you know who that is,” he retorts, finally looking in my direction as the car comes to a stop. “Plus, she’s not really interested in anyone but herself. This is all a game to her, and her only goal is to win. She’ll do whatever it takes, and that’s what’s going to get her eliminated sooner rather than later.”

  The door to the van opens before I can reply, a million things running through my mind right now.

  Did he actually sleep with her?

  Is she planning on trying to sleep her way to the end? With all of them?

  Who’s going to succumb to her scandalous ways? Lennon? Jace?

  Those are my two main concerns. I’m sure Milo realizes that considering his words seemed like more of a warning than a simple statement of fact.

  “An art museum?” I ask as I stare up at the large, ornate building in front of us.

  “I can tell you’re cultured. I wasn’t sure if you liked art, but I know a thing or two, so I thought maybe I could show you a side of me that no one else would appreciate. I know tonight is supposed to be about you, but I wanted to share this with you, so I hope that’s okay.”

  How sweet. There’s no way I’d be able to hold it against him that he didn’t choose something he knew I would like but rather something he enjoys and wanted to share with me.

  Nodding, I let him take my hand in his, and we walk up the concrete steps.

  The next hour dragged on. Not because I don’t appreciate art, I do. It’s always fascinated me, probably because I don’t have a creative bone in my body or the patience to create something so powerful yet simple.

  The reason it felt like we were there for ten hours instead of one is because Milo thought it would be funny to tell jokes the entire time. Jokes that weren’t funny the first time he said them, yet he continued to make them over and over again, laughing at himself the entire time.

  Venus de Milo was my least favorite. Get it? Milo Ugh!

  So, about the time we’re finally getting back in the van and heading to dinner, I’m more than ready for a change of conversation.

  “Are you ready to talk about Courtney now?” I ask as soon as the driver pulls away from the museum.

  “Not much to talk about.” He brushes my question off, but he can’t hide his physical reaction to it. His back stiffens, and he averts his eyes.

  “Right. So, let me ask you something. Were you the one in her villa last night?”

  “Maybe.”

  “And are you planning on being in her villa again tonight?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Why not just confess you like her? It’s not like it’s a secret. Everyone heard . . . well, everything.” I wanted to say we heard her screaming, but considering he’s being mute on the topic, I’m trying to be sensitive to his situation.

  He seems to contemplate my words for a few minutes before he shrugs his shoulders. “Nothing to talk about.”

  I let the conversation fade away and sit quietly as we make our way to the restaurant. I want to help him, but then again, I’m not sure if I can. I mean, it’s not like he can help me with Lennon or Jace. Relationships are complicated enough as it is. Add someone else’s opinion into the mix and shit can get downright stupid.

  It’s not until we’re seated at a cozy booth in the back of the fifty’s diner Milo picked that either of us speaks. To my surprise, Milo starts the conversation.

  “Do you think that, after this is all over, any of us will truly find someone? I mean, that there’s a chance any of us will connect on a level that makes us want to continue a relationship when the cameras stop rolling?”

  “I’d like to think so,” I answer honestly, my thoughts going back to Lennon and Jace immediately.

  “I think that’s what has me wanting to step back. Or afraid to step forward. I mean, I am who I am, whether there’s a camera in my face or not, but I’m not sure she is.”

  “Courtney?”

  “Yeah. I can’t tell. One minute, it’s perfect, and the next, things get awkward.”

  “When is it perfect?” I ask, already knowing what he’s going to tell me.

  “It’s like she’s playing a part or something. Acting for the camera. But once they stop rolling, when we’re alone, she’s this different person. Someone I enjoy hanging out with.”

  I let his statement sink in as the waitress takes our order. “Think of it this way, it’s scary to be who you truly are in front of the world when you know they’re judging you. It’s not easy for me either.”

  “You seem like the same person today that you were a few weeks ago when we first met.”

  “I am, but there’s also a lot about me you don’t know. A lot I haven’t shared with anyone. Not because I’m ashamed of it, but because it’s personal.” He doesn’t respond, so I take a sip of the sweet white wine he ordered us and continue. “Listen, we all have a past. We all came here with a broken heart. That doesn’t mean I want to share every detail of my breakup with everyone watching. Sure, it would make for great TV, but it also means I have to think about it over and over again.

  “I’m sure Courtney feels the same way.” Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear, I reach across the tab
le and take his hand in mine. “You haven’t talked about how you ended up here, and there’s a reason for that.”

  “I told her. She knows.”

  “And that’s why you guys have connected. You shared your pain with her. A piece of yourself you haven’t shared with anyone else.”

  “I’m guessing you’ve told Jace and Lennon about your ex.”

  “I’ve told most of you actually. I know our breakup wasn’t my fault, and as much as it hurts to think about it, to talk about it, it’s a huge part of who I am now. Would I change what happened? Yes and no. I’d rather he told me he was unhappy and broke up with me than lead me to believe otherwise. Still, it’s made me stronger. Wiser. Less trusting. I know I’m going to survive my breakup, and so will you because everything happens for a reason. We’re both here for a reason. This is a part of the journey. You have to let go of the fear of what happens next before you can truly move on.”

  “Have you?”

  “Have I what?” I ask, releasing his hand and reaching for my wine.

  “Let go of the fear? Moved on?”

  I want to say yes, I have. The truth is, I’m not sure. Can I see myself dating Jace or Lennon? Sure. After the show, I’d love to explore the option if it’s possible. But letting go of the pain and the fear is harder than I imagined it would be.

  Which was part of why I didn’t want to come here in the first place.

  I didn’t think this place would help me move on. On the one hand, it has. The pain has dulled in comparison to what it was when I first arrived. On the other . . . I feel more confused than before. The fear is more real.

  I give him the most honest answer I can come up with. “I’m trying.”

  “So who’s it going to be? The one that heals your broken heart? Lennon, the lawyer with the heart of gold, or Jace, the boozy bartender that is ready to sweep you off your feet and have you beneath him in the same breath?”

  Shaking my head at Milo, I let out a soft sigh followed by a lighthearted laugh. His descriptions couldn’t be more accurate. Though, I think if given the option, Lennon would have me flat on my back just as quickly as Jace.

  “Only time will tell, I guess. Don’t count yourself out, though. It’s still early in the game. Unless you’re withdrawing your run for bedding me,” I joke.

  Milo wiggles his eyebrows at me, a huge grin slowly spreading across his face.

  The rest of the night was filled with laughter, lighthearted conversation, and two bottles of wine. All while the cameras rolled, capturing every moment. Including my less than full smile when Milo looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. Because my focus was elsewhere. Ping-ponging between thoughts of what Jace and Bella were doing and what Lennon and Natasha were up to.

  Chapter Four

  Day 19

  What in the hell is that pounding?

  Cracking my eyes open, I wait to see if it happens again or if it was part of my dream. After a few seconds of silence, I roll over, tucking the sheet under my chin. There’s barely a sliver of light filtering in through the open blinds, telling me it’s early. Milo and I didn’t get back to the ranch until after midnight last night, and I drank my fair share of wine.

  I’m not ready to get out of bed yet. Not even close.

  The moment my eyes close, the pounding starts again. Someone’s knocking and, apparently, they’re not going away. This time, instead of trying to ignore them, I throw the covers back and storm toward my door. When I pull it open, I’m surprised to come face to face with Jace, fresh from the shower with damp hair and a bright smile.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he says, stepping inside without waiting for me to invite him.

  Beautiful? Yeah, right. When I got home, I slipped into a T-shirt, pulled my hair in a ponytail, and crawled in bed. I didn’t bother to take my makeup off last night. I probably have dark circles under my eyes from my mascara, and my ponytail feels crooked.

  “Why are you here so early?” I close the door and then lean back against it, shutting my eyes.

  “Tired?” His voice is close, but I can’t bring myself to open my eyes. I could fall asleep standing up at this point.

  “It’s too early to be awake,” I mutter.

  “Maybe we should go back to bed then.”

  His hands land on my hips as the meaning of his words hit me. My eyes fly open just in time to see Jace lean in. I turn my head away from him as quickly as I can and cover my mouth.

  That doesn’t stop him from kissing me. On the cheek. The side of my neck. Pulling the lobe of my ear in his mouth and tugging on it with his teeth, eliciting a groan from me.

  “Are you awake now?” he asks, his minty fresh breath fanning across my cheek.

  “I think you know the answer to that.”

  “Still want me to take you back to bed?”

  Yes. No.

  Shit?

  I’m not awake enough to play this game with him.

  “Or,” he continues, taking a step back but not releasing my hips. “I can make us breakfast while you get ready to go.”

  “Go?” I ask, keeping my hand over my mouth as I chance a glance in his direction.

  “I know our date isn’t until tomorrow, but I was hoping you might want to go for a ride with me this morning. The horses are available for us to use as long as we stay on the property, and I was thinking we could go back down to the creek.”

  “Isn’t that cheating?” My hand may still be covering my mouth, but there’s no hiding my smile.

  “Depends how you look at it, I guess,” he replies, turning and heading into the kitchen. “Stealing you away for a few hours to spend some alone time with you doesn’t feel like cheating to me. In fact, it sounds like fun.”

  Jace pops a pod into the coffee maker and then grabs two mugs from the cupboard. He works in silence, making us each a cup, before taking a seat on the couch and patting the cushion next to him.

  “Did you have other plans this morning?”

  “Sleep.” I yawn, stretching my arms over my head. When his eyes scan my lower body, I realize exactly what he’s looking at. I may have slipped into a T-shirt last night, but I never bothered to put on shorts. Why would I? I sleep alone. I live alone. I wasn’t expecting company at this hour.

  “I’m still game to go back to bed if you are,” he replies, his eyes still trained on my bare thighs.

  I roll my eyes. “I bet you are.”

  Jace hands me my coffee as I slip into my room, closing the door behind me. I contemplate locking it, knowing I inadvertently tempted him only moments earlier, but as my fingers linger over the lock, I decide against it. I want to trust him. To trust that he will give me privacy to shower and get ready. Especially after my conversation with Milo last night. It’s what I want more than anything.

  To trust both him and Lennon.

  Still, as I shower, I wonder if he’s going to slip into the bathroom. Then as I dry off, if he’s waiting for me in my bedroom. And as I dress, if he’s going to barge through the doors and claim me.

  That’s when I realize it’s not Jace I don’t trust but me.

  To make the wrong decision. To pick the wrong one. Not just Jace or Lennon, but any guy. One who isn’t afraid to hurt me. One who doesn’t care as much about me as I do about him. A cheater. A liar. A snake.

  I would love to believe that neither Jace nor Lennon is like that. They’ve given me no reason not to trust them, to believe what they tell me. They’ve both shown me, on multiple occasions, how they feel about me. But so did Wren.

  For years.

  Convincing me of his lies.

  Before he ruined my life.

  With my hair tied on the top of my head in a messy knot, dressed in jeans and a tank top, my face free of makeup, I exit my room to find Lennon and Jace sitting on the sofa, drinking coffee in silence.

  Well, fuck.

  “What’s going on?” I ask when they both look over their shoulder at me.

  “I was coming over to see if I could coo
k you breakfast, but it looks like Jace beat me to the punch,” Lennon explains.

  “Oh,” is all I manage to squeak out.

  What am I supposed to say to that? Let’s all have breakfast together? I don’t think so. That would be awkward. And unfair to everyone involved, including me.

  “How was your date with Milo last night?” Lennon asks, breaking the silence that surrounds us.

  “Fine. Weird. How was your date with Natasha?” I counter, needing the attention off me for a second.

  Jace lets out a little huff of laughter only to be rewarded with a punch to the shoulder from Lennon as he says, “Interesting.”

  I saunter past both of them, then take a seat in the chair opposite the couch. “Care to elaborate?”

  “Let’s just say she had one thing on her mind and Lennon wasn’t willing to give it to her,” Jace answers for him with a shit-eating grin on his face.

  “You better watch yourself. She’s going to try the same shit with you tonight.” Lennon’s warning sounds sincere even if he is smiling like it’s funny.

  “I’m aware. I’ve heard what her week has been like so far. Drake was a little too open about what happened with them the other night. No shame, that guy. No shame at all.” Jace shakes his head but doesn’t seem all that annoyed.

  Which makes me wonder what happened between Drake and Natasha the other night. And if she was trying to get Lennon in bed last night, will she be exploring the same tactics on Jace tonight? What if he falls for them? He said he was aware of her devious ways, but that doesn’t mean he’s immune. He is, after all, a guy. He has needs. And as far as I know, he hasn’t had those needs fulfilled since arriving.

  “Well,” Lennon says, pushing himself off the couch before walking over and kissing me on the cheek. “I’ll let you guys get to it. If he burns your breakfast, feel free to come over to my place. I’ll be happy to cook something edible and spend the day with you.”

  A sly wink and he’s out the door.

  “You okay?” Jace asks as I stare straight ahead.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  “What’s on your mind? Because I can tell something is going on up there.”